When it comes to the way social groups organise themselves, says the researcher Jonathan Haidt, we ultimately focus on either a shared enemy or a shared goal.
It is disturbing how many organisations I’ve been a part of, both secular and religious, that were based on a shared enemy. Even more disturbingly, I have not seen religious organisations do significantly better than secular ones.
Far too often our tendency is to be like this sign, posted a few kilometers from our house on the Dunmore East strand:
But it illustrates that our default is to focus on the negative. Somewhere I heard that negative thoughts are like Velcro while positive thoughts are like Teflon. (For those unfamiliar with the language of cookware adhesives this just means our minds latch onto the negative far more quickly than the positive.) Yet we must come back to the old adage: “The best criticism of the bad is the practice of the better.” I don’t know where that bit of folk wisdom comes from, but it has been one of my grounding quotes. To me, it speaks of living from our yes.
A teacher also uncovered a hidden gem of a Bible verse for me recently in 2 Cor. 1:20, one that we Christians do well to prioritize: “All the promises of God in Jesus are Yes and in him Amen.” For reasons too complex for me to understand, the Christian faith has been on the decline in much of the world. But I do know we are far more compelling when we hold out a vision of what we are for than when we constantly harp on what we are against.
Last month a friend and I attended an event put on by the bishop of Waterford. Most of the energy during the evening went into decrying the loss of Christian values in the West. Whilst some of the examples cited were indeed troubling, I have to wonder if we wouldn’t have been better served in spending those two hours brainstorming constructive ways to relate with the growing number of people different from us and, in some cases, antagonistic toward us.
Of course, focusing on what we are for does not mean promoting what Brene Brown has called a “toxic positivity.” As anyone with a shred of prophetic sense will know, all is not yet healed in our world. Rather, the idea is that effective change comes not through a long list of prohibitions or a defensive posture, but through the purposeful envisioning of what we want, the naming of our yes.
Finally, I believe societal change takes place in concentric circles, starting with myself. I will finish this post by listing three areas where I can live from a yes in my own life.
1) In finding an authentic faith. My tendency is to rail against all the negative religious experiences in my past, and that may be a necessary catharsis. Yet at some point, it is also important to say what I am for. I need to create “This I believe” statements, not just “This I reject” statements. Last summer I heard a sage teacher agree that it is appropriate for people recovering from the ravages of Fundamentalism to keep their statements of faith general. But he added that is important to make them more specific when the right time comes.
To do this, he suggested adding the simple word by. For instance, “I believe the essence of God is love,” might be extended with, ” and we will embody this by hosting friends two Friday evenings a month.” The theological statement, “I believe in the Final Restoration of all things,” is made practical with, “and I will live this out by having coffee with an atheist, a Muslim, and a conservative Christian” or “by praying every day for people I’m at odds with.”
2) In my pursuit of a healthy sexuality. Instead of spending my limited energy on avoiding pornography, I can use that energy to pursue a deeper relationship with my wife or understand why I have the specific lusts that I do. I can get up each day and look for opportunities to say yes to lifegiving human connections and passionately pursue intimacy, originality, and legitimate pleasure in my 24-7 reality. I am thinking more about this subject because I’ve been reading Unwanted, a recent book by Jay Stringer which I highly recommend.
3) In the way I view the past. Something about my personality craves reliving the past and tweaking what I shouldn’t have done. Living from a yes would mean acknowledging the places where I made mistakes in the past but then turning my eyes toward the future, grateful that I am still alive and have been shown where I was wrong. After all, as Winston Churchill said, “To improve is to change, to be perfect is to change often.” Instead of spending energy on the negative (my regrets), I can now marshal my resources into the positive (exciting possibilities).
In summary, just as the best defense is a good offense, so focusing on our yes will naturally address the no’s. The Talmud says there are 613 Mosaic laws, 248 of which are prohibitions–one for each part of an adult’s body, according to Rabbi Simlai. However, it is not by accident that the number of positive commands is greater.
In fact, that number happens to be 365, and you can guess what the rabbi said next: one for each day of the year.