There is a saying that struck me when I first heard it, and I’ve never forgotten it. The WASP part of me shrinks from reducing a person to a body part, let alone the anal sphincter, but I am going to quote it anyway, because I don’t know how to change the wording without lessening its impact. It goes like this:
“If you meet an asshole once a month, you’ve met an asshole; if you meet an asshole every day, you are the asshole.”
You’re welcome. Something to chew on.
Now, as the quote indicates, it is a sign of emotional maturity to adjust to people’s perception of us. But it gets tricky. Putting too much stock in the opinion of any one person is a sign of emotional immaturity. Often, that person is our parent or our spouse. It could also be our boss, but it usually isn’t the postman.
And yet responding to what large swathes of people think about us is the opposite of emotional immaturity, it is emotional intelligence. It is no bad thing to take into consideration what the general populace thinks about how we show up in their world. So keep that ear to the ground, young Bernard. Or maybe people are screaming. They’re screaming harsh truths about us, at us, and we’re blocking them out.
Whether the feedback is subtle or blaring, might we not owe it to our beloved species to make the necessary calibrations so that we do not come across as total jerks? (Inner WASP so relieved that I chose a safer word.) After all, we are social beings. Nobody is an island. Therefore, it is our duty to learn how to harmonise with our society. I hope that hasn’t been too much of a logical leap.
And preferably we make our adjustments of our own doing, rather than having people bludgeon us with the truth of our asininity. As Janan Ganesh says, “There is a world of difference between knowing you are wrong and being told you are wrong.”
Adjusting ourselves to societal feedback is like dancing the flamenco. On one hand, to be among people is to receive feedback, and interpreting it is paramount. Sometimes we really are the a**hole. I think about this as a person, but also as a teacher. It’s amazing what people around you, especially students, are dying to tell you about yourself if you give them the right opportunity. Sometimes (though perhaps not every day) it’s good to follow Jesus’s example and ask the fearless question, “Who do people say that I am?” And then to take note and act accordingly.
It is equally important, however, not to freak out over the opinions and expectations of just one person, or even one group, and to remember that sometimes we meet people who don’t have our best interests in mind. Sometimes we meet a**holes. I think of the Rudyard Kipling line, “If all men count with you but none too much…”
Honing that dance is hard work, but it is important work. Getting it right could be the difference between being a so-and-so and meeting one.